Deciding if your therapist is the right fit

A therapist doesn’t need to be someone who you would be friends with outside of therapy, but it’s important you feel comfortable opening up to them. This rapport naturally occurs when you feel understood. 

It’s also ok, however, if your therapist feels kind of like a friend - the main consideration is that they maintain professional boundaries. For example, they may be crossing professional boundaries if they often talk about themself or share their own struggles.

🚩Your therapist may intentionally share their personal experiences at times, but if this starts to happen often then it may be a red flag.

Therapy is about you and differs to a friendship in that’s it’s not based on a mutually supportive relationship. In fact, a therapist should never seek emotional support from you. 

Try to remain open minded about your therapist at first, but if you don’t feel understood then they’re likely not the right person for you. It’s important for therapists to be able to challenge you and say things that other people in your life might not be saying, particularly when you’re making harmful decisions. Therapists tend to be cautious about challenging people at first as it can trigger defensiveness, which can compromise rapport. A therapist should never shame you; their feedback should come from a place of compassion. 

It's helpful to push yourself to sit with discomfort while also trusting your gut instincts about the fit.

It’s crucial that you feel like you can trust your therapist with private information, especially feelings and memories that you don’t usually share with others. 

An important factor in developing trust with a therapist is that you don’t feel judged by them.

🚩 Judgement can be a red flag and suggests the therapist doesn’t understand you. 

As we've said, your therapist’s role is to compassionately push your comfort zone, but they also need to respect your boundaries in terms of what you feel able to share at the time. For example, if you say that you don’t feel ready to go into the detail about a traumatic part of your life, then they may encourage you to work towards this, but they shouldn't push you into talking about the details until you're ready.

As humans, we have diverse identities – our ethnicities, sexualities, religious beliefs, politics, etc. Your therapist doesn’t need to share your identities, although it can be helpful in supporting them to easily understand you. However, it is crucial that they are aware and respectful of who you are and choose to be.

🚩 If your therapist ever pushes their own identities on to you then this is a red flag. 

For example, telling you to stay with an abusive partner because they believe in the sanctity of marriage. Similarly, if your therapist ever characterises your gender identity or sexual orientation as a problem, then they are unlikely a good match for you.

A therapist should acknowledge cultural differences between you and be open to learning, but it’s not your role to educate your therapist – it’s their responsibility to learn about your identity or refer you to someone more appropriate. 

Your therapist should be a skilled listener and communicator.

Listening well is a complex skill that involves much more than taking in your words while you speak. A skilled therapist will be listening to the emotive content of what you’re saying, picking up on the subtilties of what you’re communicating, and linking what you’re sharing to their psychotherapeutic models. They should also show understanding of what you’re communicating through validating your experience, summarising what you’ve said at times, and through their responses and inquiries into your experience.

🚩If you notice your therapist is often distracted while you speak, this is a red flag. 

While listening is a key therapeutic skill, a therapist's ability to communicate is also important. Your therapist should be able to explain their perspective in a way you understand, using accessible language rather than unnecessarily academic words or jargon. A good therapist will also ask follow-up questions to check in that you've understood what they communicated and patiently explain what they had said in another way if you haven’t.

🚩 If you don’t understand what your therapist is saying to you then this is a red flag.

Therapists are humans too and often have busy and complicated lives. Family emergencies, or other significant events, may mean they have to sometimes reschedule appointments or arrive late.

🚩 If your therapist often arrives late, especially without warning, regularly reschedules, or completely forgets about your appointment, then this is a red flag. 

Before you cancel therapy, we recommend that you discuss your concerns with your therapist and see if another appointment time may work better. It shouldn’t be your problem to solve, but if you like your therapist then it may be worth giving them another shot.

Most therapists have experience working with anxiety and depression, but if you’re experiencing a more specific problem such as an eating disorder, bipolar, psychosis, or confusion about your gender, you may want to find a therapist who has the relevant specialist knowledge.

In fact, a professional therapist will identify when your problems are outside of their expertise and offer a referral to someone more specialised. It’s ok if you still want to stay with your therapist because the relationship is working for you. They may be willing to upskill through research, attend seminars, and seek advice from appropriate colleagues.

🚩 If your problems are new to your therapist and they don’t seek to upskill, or suggest seeing someone more specialised, then this is a red flag.

It’s also common to outgrow your therapist and realise months, or even years, later that you need someone more experienced or someone who offers more specialised therapy.